It’s 00:05am. I’m in bed and I’m writing every thought down in my notes. I just came back from a spectacular gig at the Omeara, I had a productive day and some stuff crossed my mind whilst I was in the Uber home from the station.
From the age of 16 I really struggled with my anxiety. I had an incredible fear of leaving the house and something going wrong whilst I’m out, or bumping into people when I’m trying to get somewhere, whether that was to the station, to a motive or anything else that I found pretty daunting. There’s various reasons in my mind as for how and why these social phobias arised, but what made it worse was that I struggled with this throughout college and pretty much up until fairly recently this year.
It didn’t help me at all. I was very antisocial (which looking back made me look polar-opposite from a “people person”), very on edge all the time and definitely that friend that didn’t get invited to places, because I never left the house anyway.
At every given opportunity I would make excuses to not go out with my friends, hide and go through unhealthy durations of “ghosting” from those that cared about me the most and in the long run, this helped absolutely nothing and in fact encouraged this fear of mine to develop.
Since the age of 18, I was fortunate enough to attend gigs and events through working in media. This was so overwhelming at first but also a good distraction as I met really cool people at these places. It’s only this year in particular when I decided that I wouldn’t let this phobia of mine take over my life, and I’m so fortunate that I have very understanding souls that surround me daily, who encourage me to go out and find comfort in just being myself.
I’m writing all of this as it just came to mind how much I feel like I have grown over the ages of 16 to 20. I think there’s been a lot of positive change from within and a bunch of change that I need to (and will) heal from overtime. I know… People would read this and think “Janay? Social anxiety? Impossible.” But it was a thing and it was (and at times still is) very real. I just did not want this fear to become permanent, and I made the conscious choice to reclaim my strength back.
There’s the loud, giggly side of me that many people see, and the awkward, borderline shy side that can be exposed around a lot of people because there are times where I’m probably desperate to escape these spaces… but I know I am safe. And I know that this journey is one worth taking.
Through the bumps, dead ends and all.
One thought on “Social Anxiety Tried It.”
Thankyou for sharing your story I too suffer from anxiety and have the same fear of going out and bumping into people from my past who I no longer speak too… I would also have panic attacks from unresolved issues from my past most recently I have just over came an eating disorder I have been suffering from on and off for years since the age of 17 and I’ll will be 23 next month… I’m someone who does cancel plans with people and I tend to enjoy going out at night rather than they day because people will recognise me less at night than during the day.